This is a real question I’m facing right now.
When do I get to have a meltdown, how far do I get to have a meltdown? I mean, what I want to do and what I get to do are two very different things.
I have a now four-year-old here at the house with me. My dark and silent house because I blew the power and now have to wait for my husband to get off work and ride in like the hero he is and fix it.
He wants noodles that I can’t even cook for him right now. Not that we don’t have other foods available or a gas stove, but its more the idea, and when you’re already sad and having a hard time, it’s just the tipping the point.
Back to the question, how far am I allowed to fall into this? Just how un-okay am I allowed to be?
I want to wrap up in my blankets and sob my heart out, the depression is just as deep as my mania gets high.
If I did that I would scare my child, and later my children and become completely useless, so that’s not okay.
As a mother I’m not allowed to fall apart, riddled with guilt and overwhelming sadness. Brave face on, pulls up your big girl panties and take care of those kids.
How long do I have to keep on, keeping on?
The answer is forever, or be labeled something ugly, and fear of that drives me, it’s okay to be manic, up all night cleaning or writing or reading, frantic to not look lazy be called a fat ass.
But conversely your not allowed to feel pain and sadness to the extreme that depression sets in and you just want to crawl into a hole and hide until you can’t even stand your own self. That’s when the names and the mom-shaming come out. Now your a label, and not a good one, instead of just getting some understanding or space you get guilted worse.
Even though your told its okay to not be okay, it’s not true and never has been.
I have children who rely on me, a household that won’t run without me. Obligations that don’t quit or go away because I want to.
I have to be okay, whether I want to be or not.