When is it okay to not be okay?

This is a real question I’m facing right now.

Photo by Eternal Happiness on Pexels.com

When do I get to have a meltdown, how far do I get to have a meltdown? I mean, what I want to do and what I get to do are two very different things.

I have a now four-year-old here at the house with me. My dark and silent house because I blew the power and now have to wait for my husband to get off work and ride in like the hero he is and fix it.

He wants noodles that I can’t even cook for him right now. Not that we don’t have other foods available or a gas stove, but its more the idea, and when you’re already sad and having a hard time, it’s just the tipping the point.

Back to the question, how far am I allowed to fall into this? Just how un-okay am I allowed to be?

I want to wrap up in my blankets and sob my heart out, the depression is just as deep as my mania gets high.

If I did that I would scare my child, and later my children and become completely useless, so that’s not okay.

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As a mother I’m not allowed to fall apart, riddled with guilt and overwhelming sadness. Brave face on, pulls up your big girl panties and take care of those kids.

How long do I have to keep on, keeping on?

The answer is forever, or be labeled something ugly, and fear of that drives me, it’s okay to be manic, up all night cleaning or writing or reading, frantic to not look lazy be called a fat ass.

But conversely your not allowed to feel pain and sadness to the extreme that depression sets in and you just want to crawl into a hole and hide until you can’t even stand your own self. That’s when the names and the mom-shaming come out. Now your a label, and not a good one, instead of just getting some understanding or space you get guilted worse.

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Even though your told its okay to not be okay, it’s not true and never has been.

I have children who rely on me, a household that won’t run without me. Obligations that don’t quit or go away because I want to.

I have to be okay, whether I want to be or not.

Published by catdvermillion

I enjoy creating and writing fantasys, turning them into full fledged novels inbetween helping my kids with home work and chasing after my three year old, almost four now. I love the rain, the sound and smell as it patters against the roof of my house. I love helping animals although I'm not a foster dog or cat mom as I would never have the heart to rehome them. I have an Emotional Support Dog, a queensland heeler who resembles a potato more than a dog and two cats, one for my oldest and one for the rest of them. I am the slave of two green cheek conures who keep me distracted and make it difficult to get anything done. I manage in my own little way to keep chugging along. There always seems to be more madness than method to go around.

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